The truth 1/16/18

The past couple months I have been getting pretty aggravated with my dad. Although   I never really liked my mom more than my dad, the more my father treats my mom like she’s a failure, the more I wish I could tell him how I actually feel. I will never be able to do that though, which kinda sucks. Everyday I notice my dad acting like my grandma even more, which just makes me wish I could yell at him more. Part of me wants to just be kind to my dad and pretend that everything is fine, but the other part of me can’t get over the fact that I wish I could tell him everything he has done to frustrate me my entire life.

“Dear Dad,

I wish I could simply say “I love you” and pretend that nothing ever happened between us. I wish I could look at you and see a wonderful, loving father figure that has never done anything to make me cry myself to sleep. I wish I could say that you mean more than the world to me. I wish I could say everything I just listed was true, but that would be a completely lie. The truth is, you made me feel like I was a worthless child that meant absolutely nothing in this big world. You made me feel like I didn’t deserve to live because I couldn’t make grandma happy. I don’t know if I can ever forgive you for what you did to me growing up but if I do, that does not mean that what you did was okay. I don’t forgive you for the first time I tried to really tell you what grandma did to me, and you just yelling at me that I was lying. I don’t forgive you for every single time you told me I needed to “be better” because the rest of the family were screw ups. I don’t forgive you for leaving me with grandma when you knew that she was screaming at me, swearing at me, and hitting me. I don’t forgive you for never helping me, for not seeing everything that led to me attempting suicide as a fifth grader. I hate remembering all the times when you were a good dad because it reminds me what you have turned into. You used to take me to all the swap meets with you and would buy me a sign from each one to hang on my wall. I loved doing that with you all summer, it was something I always looked forward to. I loved doing the paper route every Sunday with you and grandma, even though I usually fell asleep 30 minutes into the actual route. I loved spending quality time with you, the times when you didn’t yell at me, didn’t make me feel worthless. I miss that you. I want that dad back, I want the loving father that is deep inside you back. Why did you turn into someone who makes me feel like a disappointment. I don’t want to lose you and have the last months with you consist of you making me feel like a disappointment, you treating mom like a failure, and us feeling like we have already lost you in a way. I love you even when I hate you.”

I’ll be honest that there are a lot of things that I want to scream at my dad, but that’s something I will never do….again. I did it a lot when I was younger, to both my dad and my grandma. Well, and to my mom too. I was being raised by wolves and I started to be one myself. It wasn’t til my freshman year of high school that I started to understand that things were wrong, but not until my sophomore year that I fought for myself. I never thought I would end up here. Is it wrong for me to be mad at my dad for acting like a jerk (totally not the word I wanted to use)? Where is the line between getting mad at him for being jerk, and having to let it go because he has cancer? Am I being a bad person for being so mad at my dad and the world?

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1/11/2018

This has been a wild two weeks to say the least. It started with being suicidal, and as depressed as I used to be. Easy to say, its been a rough two weeks emotionally. On the plus side, as of 1/8, I have been two months without self harm. Everyday that goes past it gets a little bit harder to ignore the urge to self harm, and every meal I eat, just makes it worse. All I hear in my head is the voice that tells me I am fat, I am not enough, I am a failure, and I don’t deserve to live and/or be okay. Its hard to resist self harm when every little mistake you make, especially when it comes to food, makes the voice in your head tell you that you deserve to be punished. What can make is worse is not being able to tell anyone what you are feeling in the moment because you are too scared of what might happen if you do.

Truthfully, we never really know what is going to happen next. I know I never really gave a new update on my dad, but I was still trying to learn how to cope with it myself. His CT and PET scan showed that the tumor in his lung grew from 3.2 to 3.7. and he lost more weight, putting him at 158. The doctors expected this to possibly happen and have now decided to start a much more intense form of treatment starting 1/15. Nobody, including the doctors, are sure that my dad will be able to handle the new treatment, but all we can do is try.

All anyone can do in life is try their best and let fate decide what to do. I like to be in control of every single detail of everything, and in reality, I will never be able to control even a quarter of what I would like to. I definitely can’t control other peoples actions, and sometimes thats what I wish I could control most. I work with a guy named Hayden, the same guy who had made a post on my page a few months ago. Heres the thing about Hayden, he’s rich. Not that I have anything against people who are fortunate enough to have money, but I do have a problem when people get greedy with their money. The college reopened on January 2nd. That was the last day Hayden came to work. He works 15 hours a week, been gone for two weeks, and only worked five hours. I do not respect people who lie, and I never have. When people lie to me multiple times, then I do not want you in my life. Hayden lied to me about multiple things, and then decided to text me and call me a bitch, and text me “why is it such a big deal if i’m not there for a couple days? like honestly. you act like this job surrounds all of our lives i have a lot of things to worry about then a school job. my throat is in so much pain and it’s so obnoxious. i don’t want to go to work to deal with more drama bullshit and other shit just to be annoyed more. all i’m doing is taking a couple days off. i’m coming back tuesday and not taking as many  days off again so i don’t get why it’s so important if i’m there or not. you just need to stop being so rude and mind your business bc i’m tired of one getting bombed from you with your attitude when i’m not doing anything wrong to you and two you being so bothered that i’m missing a couple days of a little school job that all we do there is bitch work. i’m coming back tuesdayso please calm tf down.”. If I ignore everything that he has said to me and the way he has treated me, the reason I am so beyond frustrated with his is because he does not need this job. He takes this job for granted and stopped caring a long time ago. He is taking a position away from a student who can’t go to harper without a job on campus. He’s taking a job from a student that is in the same position that I was when I first came to Harper. I will teach you because you care, but once you stop caring, so will I.

On a completely different note, Rebecca was home for a couple weeks and I spent most of that time with her. She left this past Wednesday, but before she left I wanted to come out to her. So on Sunday night, me and Rebecca went to Dairy Queen. I know it would be completely empty, so that was the easiest place to tell her. We both got ice cream and then I told her. I was so glad I did, and she had absolutely no problem with it. She was glad I told her so we could talk about who we like together now haha. I told her mom that night too, who was also just as happy and accepting. What I wasn’t prepared for was Tuesday. My cousin Jamie was over, and it was nice to just be able to talk to her, considering she has know the longest. Me and Jamie were just talking in the living room, but what we didn’t know was the my mom was hiding behind the corner, listening to some of what we said. After Jamie left, my mom texted me and asked me to tell her what was going on. She wouldn’t drop the conversation, and finally I told her. She didn’t respond as well as Rebecca and her mom did, but at least she wasn’t mad at me. The next night, she told me “You know, if you somehow end up dating a guy, don’t think you are attached to a title, you can just say you are straight again.”. Her saying this made me upset to be honest. But what made me even more upset was that I told her I would tell dad this weekend, but instead she decided to tell him herself. The next morning when I found out, I was really mad at my mom, and she didn’t understand why that made me upset, until she got in the car on her way to work and it occurred to her. I feel bad that I got so upset at her, because she said she cried on her way to work because she felt bad. Those are the moments when I recognize that even though I hide my anger very well and try to always avoid feeling it, that doesn’t mean that it isn’t there. I guess I can’t keep trying to hide everything, because no matter what it will show itself eventually, whether I like it or not.

 

1/3/18

Well, this week has been a very interesting start to 2018. From starting the year playing pool while drunk with my best friend, to finding out my dad’s cancer might have spread, its already been an adventure. Looking back on 2017, its amazing to see how much changed in one year. I started 2017 majoring in Music Education and ended it majoring in Sociology. In February 2017 I found out my dad had Stage 4 Non Small Cell Lung cancer, and unfortunately we are coming into 2018 with the news that the cancer might have spread again. However, in 2017 I also finally decided to take care of myself and start therapy, which was one of my best decisions of the year. I started not knowing what I went through was abuse, feeling worthless, and being suicidal and self harming everyday. Starting 2018, I finally understand what actually happened when I was younger, for the first time in a very long time, I see myself as worthy, and while still suicidal every once in a while, I have not self harmed in seven weeks, which is something I didn’t think I would be able to do again. Even though 2018 has had a rough start, if 2017 improved that much, then 2018 is going to be a wonderful year.

With that said, the past couple weeks have been rough. Not self harming has been pretty hard, but I have been able to get through without it. However, what replaced the self harm was all of my depression and suicidal thoughts. Getting through all of that has been quite difficult, but I am doing my best. While I want to self harm, and there is a chance I may relapse at some point, I am glad that a small part of me wants to live and I am to scared to hurt others to ever attempt suicide. I’m not scared of death, but I am scared of dying. Those are two very different things, and the reasons I am still alive and fighting to live as much as I can. Plus some part of me actually wants to live and i’ve come to realize taking small steps is a lot easier than looking far in the future. So here is my goal, simply make it one more week so I would be eight weeks without self harm. That is something I know I can control and feel I could accomplish. There is no point in setting myself up for complete failure, so I might as well give myself a chance. Here’s to this year being even better than the last.

12/28/17

Isn’t it a coincidence that when I stop typing I become suicidal, and when I am suicidal I then stop typing. Well, maybe thats not such a coincidence. My mood from one day to another changes so dramatically that I have no clue what to expect even tomorrow. I can’t help but wonder whats causing this to happen when it had stopped for quite a while. Could it be because I don’t have a set, detailed schedule like I am used to? Is it because while I am still taking my meds, I am not taking them at the exact same times I do during the school year?

Over the past week, I have been suicidal for at least four days, and depressed all but one day. I admit, I was somewhat scared knowing just how bad I wanted to at least self harm, and those thoughts leading farther and farther until reaching into suicide territory. Honestly, I have no idea how I am going to get through this without self harming again, or restricting as much as I possibly could. I can usually somehow see through everything and try to imagine a time where I can go without restricting, without self harming, without suicidal thoughts. Right now, I honestly can’t see that time.

Sometimes, while I am able to open up about what I feel, it is hard to be open about details. This is one of those times. I was raised with everything having a reward or punishment. More often than not, I received the punishment rather than the reward. At some point I got used to everything having a punishment or reward and started that same pattern with myself. This is what is very difficult for me to even type, let alone send it to others and post it. Something that I did very often in High School was self harming every time I ate when I told myself that I wouldn’t. Right now I have gone about 7 weeks since I have self harmed, which has been quite difficult for me to do, which makes me even more proud that I made it this far. While I have been able to go without self harming, in order to get myself through that I have taken my feelings out on food. Every time I eat, I feel as if I have to punish myself with self harm, which makes keeping myself very difficult. When I can’t self harm to take that pain out on myself, the next thought that comes to my head is suicide. If I can’t even successfully go as long as I want without eating, then why should I be able to even live. Its simply another thing that I manage to screw up.

I don’t know whats going to happen, and I think that is what scares me the most. I am rethinking how strong I actually am through this. What if I do slip up…what if I really, really slip up.

12/19/17

 

I admit that I wish I had a childhood where I was always happy and enjoyed being a kid, where I had parents who cared about me. I wish I had parents who had a child for reasons other than just wanting to make them do everything they didn’t want to do. I wish I had parents who loved me unconditionally, who wouldn’t have told me to go away whenever I just wanting to be with them. I wish I had the opportunity to have a loving relationship with my parents from the start, instead of never being able to have one at all.

I’m not ashamed of what happened because its a part of me, its a part of my story. Is it upsetting to me, absolutely. I would do anything to go back to when I was a kid and have parents who truly loved me. Parents who didn’t only yell because I wasn’t up to their expectations. While I wish that was the childhood I had, I can’t go back and change it. There is no backspace in life, all we can do is keep moving forward. The one thing that gives me peace is knowing that there are so many kids in the world that will never go through what I did. Kids who will grow up having wonderful parents who love them and know they are perfect just the way they are.

So many nights I have spent in bed crying, trying to muffle the sound so that my parents didn’t hear. It still happens some nights, nights where I don’t even know why I’m crying. Nights where my chest and stomach hurt from crying so hard. Everyone says they see sadness in my eyes, and these are the nights that prove they are right.

There are many days that I remember everything so strongly that I just want to get it all out, details and all, and allow myself to breathe without being crushed by what happened. The days that I feel so much yet feel nothing, as if the world can hurt me but not kill me. The only issue with opening up like this is its basically a game of Jenga, once one piece is taken out, the entire thing can come with it. Thats been the case with many of my emotions lately. I never thought talking about what happened could actually be exhausting, but turns out it can be.

Right now I look at life from two different perspectives, and they switch so quickly sometimes its like being hit by a bus. Sometimes I see life as something I am so beyond thankful for and look forward to the future. Sometimes however, I see life as something I want to run far away from, something I never asked for. There are good and bad moment for everything, they are pretty equal now, and that’s something I never thought would happen. A lot has changed this year, both good and bad, but getting to the point I am at now is as positive as it can get. Im not saying that everything is perfect, because its not, but it so much better than I ever thought it would be.

Honestly, there are days where I just want to quit therapy and stop meds and pretend everything is perfectly okay and act like my problems don’t exist. I know realistically I can’t just pretend nothing ever happened, so I remember where I started. Coming into therapy the first day, scared out of my mind, and going to my car and crying because my anxiety was so high from just going. I look back and remember sitting, waiting to go in and shaking because I was so scared I would be yelled at or something bad would happen when I admitted I was self harming, and it only got worse when I admitted I was suicidal. I remember being so terrified to start meds, terrified to even make the first appointment. But mostly I remember when I finally felt truly safe to talk. Safe from myself. Safe from everything. I remember the first time I went two week without self harming and being so proud that I finally did it, never thinking I would make it to 5 weeks! I remember the first moment I actually thought about how far I have come, and being amazed. I am so proud of myself for still doing this and not giving up, for fighting for myself even when I wished I didn’t.

Little by little, a little becomes a lot.

12/14/17

To start off with, I am so proud of you. Life hasn’t been too easy on you lately, and I am truly sorry about that. You don’t deserve to ever know what it is like to be hit, to be screamed at, to be touched without your permission, and to be made to feel worthless. But despite it all, you have managed to keep your head up and continue fighting through.

Be proud of everything you have gone through, and mostly, what you’ve become.

Stop being so hard on yourself. Everything will make sense to you one day. All the pain, hurt, and frustration will become worth it. Remember, everything happens for a particular reason. You are in the exact place you are meant to be right now. So breathe, be patient, and trust the course of your life. Let go of all the expectations you have created in your head. Accept reality as it comes. Accept life for what it is.

Don’t take everything so personally and try to not let others get you down. Most of the time, things have nothing to do with you, and everything to do with the other person. What your family did to you was not your fault and you never deserved any of that.

You did not deserve that. You are perfect in every way, especially with your flaws. Accept the things that make you different, while embracing everything that makes you unique.

You are so beautiful, do not ever think otherwise. You are none of the negative things you see in yourself. You are not the number of calories on the box or the number on the scale. Those do not define you, you define you. You deserve to eat like everyone else, allow yourself that. You are beautiful inside and out Cass.

Even though you think you are broken, there is so much beauty in your pain. Also, you’re really not as broken as you think you are. You are stronger than anything that has tried to tear you down. You are a survivor, not a victim. So with that, try not to be so hard on yourself, we both know you’re doing the best you can.

Never let anyone get in the way of your goals in life. More importantly, never give up on your passions and your dreams. Do not waste your time on people who do not believe in you. You don’t need anyone like that in your life. Only surround yourself with people who encourage and inspire you.

You deserve the world and even a little more. You are smart. You are beautiful. You are enough. 

At the end of the day, all you are guaranteed is yourself, never forget this.

On the days life gets you down, remember walking on the beach, going to Disney and Sea World, and loving everyday. And don’t ever forget to smile with the same genuine smile you had back then. Remember the good times.

You are so strong my dear. You have been through a lot and still fighting. The world has tried to break you, but you never let it. Thank your past, for it has made you into a better, stronger person.

Not everyone you have meet is meant to stay around forever. People will leave you. On the contrary, you will also leave others. People will disappoint you, and all you can do is learn to appreciate them for what they have taught you. Thank the people who have stayed. Fill the spaces of the ones who have gone.

More importantly, gracefully let go of the things and people that are not meant for you. Accept things the way they are.

Thank you for never giving up and being so tough. You inspire others and you lift them up. Stay strong. Stand up tall. Be more beautiful than ever. Make them wonder how you do it.

I love you. You know you deserve the world, now go get it.

 

12/13/17 pt 2

I want to run away from myself and start over, however that is not possible. I look in the mirror and see someone who is overweight, someone who is ugly in every way, someone who is nothing. I hate looking in the mirror every morning because I notice every single thing that is wrong with me. I went to high school with a girl who became a model, and she’s honestly pretty amazing at it. She liked a BMI chart on facebook and it showed up on my news feed. Someone who is 5’9″ and 178.4 lbs is overweight. That is what I see everyday in the mirror and it never goes away, no matter how many times people tell me I am beautiful and/or not near overweight. My mom talks about how fat she is and how me and her need to lose weight since my dad is so small compared to us (keep in mind my dad has stage four lung cancer) and brings up calories and will read them out loud even when I ask her not to. My entire family always critiques me and makes jokes about every single thing I do. They all do it jokingly and never mean to be hurtful, but to me it really hurts. Somehow i’m the exact opposite of my family. If I didn’t look exactly like my mom I would swear I was adopted. During the holidays when we are all together they point out how little or how much I eat, what I eat, how I eat. To them it is just jokes and being themselves, but I see it completely different. I see it as being told I am fat, that I am ugly, the I am screwed up, that I am nothing. I cope with not being able to self harm by not eating. I can cope with no self harm, and cope with being self conscious and hating myself on the outside. I know how ridiculous that sounds, and I don’t like that I see it that way because I know thats not right. When I was self harming I admitted that I wanted to do it, I wanted to cut and feel something. This is the same, I admit I want to lose weight like I did last time, I don’t want to eat anything, I miss that thigh gap I had. I don’t want to eat, I want absolutely nothing to do with food. I went 37 hours without eating, ate a little bit, went 20 hours without eating, ate a little bit, went 11 hours without eating, ate a little bit, went 27 hours without eating, ate a actual meal. It’s easier not eating, it just makes everything simpler. This is one of the reasons why I didn’t want to live to 20.