4/17/19

12:18PM– I knew last night would be a rough night, but I wish I didn’t allow it to get to the point of self harm. I feel like most nights I don’t remember what even happens, but I’m hoping that goes away now that I’m stopping Abilify. I am gonna be starting Lamictal (Lamotrigine). I used to be really good about making sure I take my meds are certain times and lately I just have been taking all of my medications at night even though I shouldn’t. I just wish that mental health could be easy for once, but that’s a rare occasion.   I don’t remember a time when I didn’t struggle with mental health or secretly know it was there. I have had it my entire life, I have gotten used to it. However, I miss when it felt like one constant stream, not constant ups and downs that leave me to wonder what will come next.

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4/12/19

11:10pm– Today has been up and down in every way possible. I honestly don’t even know where to start right now. I started the day by waking up in a night sweat and never napping, which is the worst feeling ever. I also made my list for leadership (what I need to pack), and packed everything I needed for tonight and tomorrow. For those of you who don’t know, I am currently at a seminar, and in the third level of the seminars. I have gone through the first two levels called Basic and Advanced, and now I am in the third and sort of last level which is Leadership. It is one weekend a month for three months in a row. The seminar is called Pathways, and I will include the website link below for everyone to check out. Anyway, I have just been struggling a lot later with lack of motivation and energy, and it took everything in me to get up and drive all the way to the hotel. I just don’t have the energy for this all right now, and when I got here I just didn’t feel in the mood to be ‘okay’. I just feel so blah and exhausted in general, and it makes even the daily actions feel like so much. What didn’t help anything was I stood in front of everyone and told them that I relapsed, and the owner of the seminar immediately asked me if I was ready to be clean from self harming again, and I said yes. Obviously. Except I am questioning if the answer should have been no, because truthfully, I think about self harm everyday and I wish I didn’t have to exist anymore way more than I could ever put into words. How do I stand in front of 17 people and tell them that I wish I wasn’t alive right now? Im not actively suicidal, its called passive suicidal ideation, but very few people know the difference and I don’t want to be the one that has to stand and explain it to everyone as if I’m an expert because I have been on both sides of it before.

4/10/19

7:39pm– Today has been a wide range of emotions, but not necessarily bad emotions. I woke up a few times last night due to night sweats. I was lucky enough to have them stop for a couple weeks, but the past few days they returned. I was hoping I wouldn’t have to deal with them anymore, but that seems to not be the case. I see my psychiatrist, Sylvia, next week Thursday and I’m hoping she can come up with a plan as to what to do. I wouldn’t care as much about the night sweats if I didn’t wake up multiple times a night because of them, and if I didn’t feel a very intense urge to shower every time I begin to sweat. I felt better when I was able to sleep every night without an issue, so it’s frustrating to wake up multiple times a night again. I have had many issues with my meds over the past year or so. I have changed my psychiatrist multiple times, but unfortunately no one has developed a plan that has helped. Besides that, I did my laundry today and clean/organized my room. It feels as if my depression and anxiety isn’t overpowering when my room is organized and clean. It would help as well if I lost some weight and could fit into more of my clothes comfortably. I worked out on the elliptical today for 10min which was about .3 miles. I know that might not be much, but it felt really good. I also worked out my legs for a little while today, just so I wasn’t doing absolutely nothing all day. I have to begin to set up more routine soon so that I can slowly begin to get back to working and school through out the day. Melissa, my therapist, said I could even start with something as simple as driving to Starbucks at a certain time every day and making sure to sticking to it. Im not sure that is exactly what I will do, although it gives me a good idea as to where I should start. I just have to remind myself that I have to have patience with myself and will slowly but surely get to a life I want to live.

4/9/19

5:30pm– It’s amazing how easy it can be to fall out of a habit after only a few days. The last time I posted to this site I thought I would forever write out my journals, but I also thought I had a handle at what life had to throw at me. At the time I didn’t know my Dad would die from lung cancer on October 4th, 2018. I didn’t know I would go back into the hospital just days after my birthday because of a suicide attempt. Yet, that was exactly what would happen.

It’s been a rough few months, and as much as I would love to say how much easier life has gotten, that simply isn’t the truth. The last few months I have spent writing out my journals physically, mainly because it gave me a physical release that wasn’t harmful. The last few days however, I’ve struggled with getting overwhelmed because of the imperfections in my own handwriting. Due to this, I have decided to return back to here! I can truly say that I have missed writing my journal entries to other people as well. I still have the hope that someday, someone will find hope because of reading my blog and reading my daily life as I go through my own struggles with depression and anxiety.

Lately I have been struggling with feeling ( and being ) overweight. When I was in the hospital last, Dr.Woods, who was my psychiatrist while I was in the program, put me on the medication Remeron, which increases the appetite in someone who has an eating disorder. The medication did exactly as the psychiatrist was hoping, and I gained an appetite for the first time since being on Adderall. Unfortunately, I gained weight shortly after because I started to eat multiple meals a day. In one month I went from 140lbs and looking unhealthy because I was starving myself so often, to 200lbs and being out of breath after climbing one stair. Today I reached the point of officially weighing more than my Mom. While that might not sound like much, it bothers me more than I can put into words.

9/9/18

“I have a lot on my mind, I just don’t know what to talk about first. I guess what I want to just say is that I feel lost. I feel like I don’t even know who I am anymore. Its just kinda weird, like the better I get and the more my life changes, I feel like I’ve completely forgotten who I really am. I feel like I’m just on constant auto-pilot, just going through the motions. It feels hard to explain. I was just a lot different even just a year ago. Its kinda like a year ago I was still so impacted by my past and it was basically completely who I was. Now I feel like I’m just… like not that connected to my past the same, probably because I have such a different perspective of my childhood now. I’ve been doing music since I was three and I always thought music would be my entire life, I even majored in music my first year of college. Now I basically have no desire to even get back into music and that alone makes me feel like I’ve lost a huge part of myself. Its just something that is bothering me lately. I don’t know if this makes sense but its like my emotions were always on one extreme side or the other and now its like instead of everything always being black and white, things are finally starting to seem grey. Its just new I guess. I feel like I have lost myself.

On a different topic, I switched my leadership to the one starting in February. It was a difficult decision to make. I know so many people who are in this current session and I was so excited to do it with everyone I know but I need to learn to take care of myself before I can add another thing on my plate. Im constantly trying to balance work, my classes, and family that time to actually take care of myself is pushed to the side. I do the basics but anything besides that doesn’t really happen. My sleeping even sucks at this point, probably due to the fact i’m stressed way too much right now. Im trying to make sure I write everyday,  just to get some of these out. I don’t really do anything for myself besides that, I think I just need to remember to put myself first sometimes.

Switching to another topic, therapy was quite the adventure on Thursday. There are a lot of things I truly thought I would never tell anyone. I opened up a lot about the sexual stuff and I felt like I was gonna burst into tears pretty much the entire time. I underestimated how hard it would be to tell even someone I trust with the details of what happened. This was the most I have been scared of what she would think in a long time. I think it would have been easier telling a stranger. Im glad I told someone I know and trust though. I know it will be less of a burden and I will have a lot less shame once I open up, even about the things that hurt, that I will feel so much better.

I want to try to write about everything that has happened, i’m always just a bit scared Im gonna have a flashback or that something will happen. Im just gonna try to focus on one memory at a time and write about the details of it. Im scared of everything that triggers me, especially this.

The first memory of anything sexual I have was my first day of 4th grade. I was a small and skinny little 10 year old. I even have a picture my mom took of me at the bus stop that morning. I was wearing this white long sleeve shirt and plaid skort. I remember walking home to grandmas after school. I walked in, put down my backpack, and I went to walk into the kitchen but my grandma stopped me before I did. She was sitting on the floor, a cooking show on TV like always. She gestured fro me to come over to her and I did. She told me to take off my skort and underwear and I didn’t understand why but I knew not to ask questions. I did what she said, and she told me to lay on the floor, back down, and get closer to her. I moved closer to her and she told me to bend my knee’s and open my legs and she grabbed my hips and pulled me even closer. I didn’t know what she was doing so I looked behind me and watched the TV most of the time. I felt her hand touching the inside of my theirs and I kinda flinched because her hands were so cold. After a little bit I felt her hand touching me, suddenly a lot of pressure I never felt before, but it didn’t hurt, it was just kind of uncomfortable. She used her hand the entire time. When she started to penetrate me deeper was when I started to feel pain. She always had long nails and it felt like they were scraping me inside. I tried to back up but she just grabbed my hip and pulled me closer again. I started to feel her hands moving a lot and but I didn’t know what she was doing at the time because I couldn’t see. My heart felt like it was beating a thousand mph and it was so much pressure I was starting to freak out. When she knew I felt pleasure from it she stopped. She told me to go wash off in the bathroom and to put my clothes back on. I didn’t ask questions about what had happened but I remember still hurting a hour after it happened. I don’t know whether or not I thought it was some kind of punishment for something or not.

The next memory I have that was clear was when I think I was 11. I don’t remember the details before or after what happened this time. I know I was arguing with my grandma before it happened. She was sitting in the corner chair in the living room yelling at me and I tried to back away from her but I was so scared that I listened to her when she told me to come closer to her. She grabbed me by my wrists, tight, and pulled me all the way to her. She pulled me down across her lap, stomach down. I felt paralyzed and completely helpless. She pulled my pants and underwear down and spanked me around 15 times, hard enough I was crying so hard I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move, she just held me there. She stopped for a second and I thought she was done but she started fingering me vaginally and then anally. When I orgasmed she stopped and pushed me on the floor. I remember I was bleeding some but I don’t remember anything after that.

The last memory that I clearly remember was what John had done to me. I was in the house alone since grandma wasn’t home yet. I was around 11 or 12. John had just come inside and he was clearly angry about something but I don’t know what. Somehow we ended up both in the pantry/laundry room. The food was messed up so once it fully closed it was really hard to get back open. The next thing I remember was being on the floor with him on top of me. I closed my eyes, which wasn’t normal for me to do but that was probably the only way I could avoid seeing what was actually happening. He used me like I was just a body he could do whatever to. He was holding my hands on either side of my head and was laying completely on top of me. There was only vaginal penetration. He was hurting me so much I laid there frozen. At some point I remember him saying “I know it hurts, just take a little more” and he kept trying to go deeper. Those words still seem to be stick in my head and I hear them every time I do anything sexual. I don’t remember what happened after he said those words.

This next part I am even more uncomfortable talking about than this. There really isn’t a easy way to talk about this considering the amount of shame I have with it. Ill just start by saying I get no pleasure from the self harm portion of any of this. However, I can’t have pleasure without pain. It’s honestly awful and I feel like I’m gonna burst into tears talking about this. I keep thinking about self harm because I don’t want to remember any of this. The most I have done in person with someone was with my ex from my senior year of high school. He was in college but still lived close. We would make out and that never bothered me much, I thought I was ready to do more but I wasn’t. One day we were in bed together at his house and had being making out and I took my shirt off and I was fine until I felt his hands on my stomach. I just burst into tears and had a anxiety attack on the floor next to his bed. He never ended up ever understanding why. That’s all I have done in person. I used to constantly use Omegle and Kik and find random people to do whatever for. I treated myself like I was completely useless. I have had probably around 15+ Dom/Sub relationships with men and women who choose me. All of those lasted at least two weeks each. Total, I hate saying this, but probably around 90+ people have seen me completely naked and doing whatever my Dom told me what to do. I never met any of them in person except for almost one. He lived near me and we were gonna meet at a hotel out by him but I chickened out last minute. I’ve considered doing it a lot since then though. Every situation I ever put myself in I gave up all control I had, including everything online. There was one guy I met from tinder in person but we didn’t end up doing anything other than making out. I’m just so frustrated with myself knowing how many pictures and videos there are of me online. Luckily I don’t think a single one had my face in it and I never used my actual name. I’ve done a lot to myself, honestly too much to list. I did whatever I was told to, whether it was vaginal or anal, and no matter how much pain it put me in, even when I would break down crying in pain from it. I’m so shamed of some of the stuff I have been doing ever since what happened with John. I will never say this out loud, even to you, because I really don’t want to feel the amount of shame I have with this sentence, but if I am completely honest, I highly doubt the first time I have sex will be with someone I know. I’ve attempted suicide twice because I have been so ashamed of all of this, nobody knows that.”

7/10/18

So last night was my first night home in about a week. It was nice to be able to sleep in my own bed again. Yesterday ended up being really hard to deal with. My boss, Laura, called me into her office and made a comment about me being late one day and calling into work one day. I made up the day I was late and one additional hour so I only missed three hours for the week. She asked if I was really ready to be back. I obviously said yes but it annoyed me that Barb was in the office during the talk. Like I feel I at least deserved the respect of the talk being just us. I guess that combined with my feelings with Jeff and Kristy is just a little too much I guess. I think writing about it yesterday helped some but I ended up really wanting to self harm again which kind of scared me to be honest. Its really frustrating just feeling like even when im starting to get a little better, then everything will just end up crashing around me again. I keep taking the Kristy’s journal thing pretty hard. I just always though she really liked me and now Im finding out that isn’t the case and its really hard to cope with. I have therapy tomorrow and I just feel like I can’t even be fully honest about stuff because I already lied to her once and im like scared of being judged by her now even though logically that she would never judge me. This is what always gets me into through, my logical side of my brain versus my emotional side of my brain. I just want to be……..

NORMAL

I don’t really know if there is any such thing as being normal when it comes to people. We all have out issues and flaws but thats part of life. I don’t think anyone has a completely flawless life. Im probably trying to be something that is impossible to even be. I think maybe its the depression that tells me I will never be normal. Maybe thats exactly what i’m doing. I want to live a life without emotional pain, depression, anxiety, ptsd, ADHD. Does everyone go through stuff like this? Just wish I could make sense of it all. I feel like maybe there is no way to make life be better. Maybe this is just what life is like, maybe its not this wonderful thing I tend to think it is. I wish there was a good and exact answer to it all but there really isn’t. I don’t get the answers that I long for. Every time I think about not being as good as I thought it would be I just want to find a release usually by suicide or self harm which I can’t do. So here I am writing, hoping to express all of the emotions I have that I keep bottled up inside. I know its really unhealthy to keep it all inside but I continue to because I feel like I am all alone now that I fucked up the few relationships I have had. I could maybe still talk with my therapist about it but I already lied to her about how I met Jeff and Kristy so I risk the truth possibly coming out about that. I wish I wasn’t scared of judgement because maybe then my life would be completely different. Im always doing what the other person wants to do first while putting myself last. Im just this little speck and I have to grow but I can only do that if I am completely open and honest about what I feel. I can’t keep hiding like this where I just have to stay isolated and am completely alone. Maybe this falls a little into the self sabotage area. I don’t like myself so this is probably the easiest thing for me. I know something is wrong so I might as well just give up and start off again later. Obviously I am really tired because I am not thinking logically in the slightest. Its sometimes strange because I think really in depth into something and then get determined to get the answer even though I know there isn’t any. What is life really supposed to be like? I know there will always be goods and bars but how much good versus bad should there normally be?I just want to make sense of my own brain and the world. I don’t know if I will ever manage to do it but I might as well hold hope to understand my brain someday.

Normal:

Adjective. Conforming to the standard or the common type; usual ; not abnormal ; regular ; natural.

I read that definition and trying to apply it to real life is a entirely new level of complex. Think about it. What is technically considered normal? Is having multiple kids normal? Is having some type of mental illness normal? Is being happy on a daily basis more than sad normal? Does anyone know what is actually considered normal? This is exactly my issue because I want to be normal but nobody even really knows what normal is when it comes to being human. Im trying to do something impossible while logically knowing I am setting myself up for failure. I never really actually thought about it until now. I have always hoped to be normal.

So I did a thing tonight. I told Kristy all of my feelings about everything and I almost cried doing it. I told her about all my fear of judgement and everything including in that the fear of eating in front of people, never being good enough and sometimes still shutting down, wanting to run away because I am so scared of what everyone thinks of me. I also told her about my feelings regarding the Jack situation. I admitted that I am really scared of him and I keep having nightmares about him finding me and losing it again. She is the first person I have told that I am feeling this way to. I also told her about my new kind of suicidal thoughts which have been really scaring me lately if im honest. Like obviously I have thought about this stuff before but these are different. Its like I can see myself cutting even though i’m not doing it. I guess its just hard to talk about. I don’t know why this is happening like this. Plus I have been slowly thinking about suicide again which is really scary to be dealing with again because I know part of me still wants to do it. I just want to be okay.

7/9/18

I haven’t really wrote in a while, and that never has a good result so here I am. Depressed. Sitting in a pile of emotional hurt that seems to just keep growing. I want to run from it but every time it catches me it doubles in size. Its a constant fight of trying to keep it from taking over. The worse this pile grows, the worse the urges get. I was lucky for a while and didn’t have too many urges but, lately they have started coming back. I’m slowly feeling like i’m drowning again. There are so many good things going on around me yet the worst things are the ones going through my head non-stop. Right now I know I need to vent to Kristy but the issues i’m dealing with both involve her and Jeff so I’m all alone in this one. I haven’t even been fully honest with my Melissa and because of that I can’t even tell her about this. I feel like I kept fucking up and now here I am but, I can’t blame anyone else because it is still technically my fault. Plus I feel sorry for myself which is total crap because I have no right to feel bad for myself. I need to just get over it all but I feel like I should be able to just forget it all even though logically I know that is absolutely impossible. I have to actually work through this even when I really don’t want to. Mainly because its a constant pain that gets worse while i’m in the process of working through it. I just want all of the pain to stop and it never really does. I want to cut again. I feel like a terrible person every time I write that but this is the only place I can be completely honest. Its really frustrating wanting to cut again. It seems like such a simple things which just makes me want it more. I keep thinking about taking a knife and doing it on my arms and I feel like I can actually see it. Almost like a video set on repeat that I can’t seem to escape from. I just want it to stop. How do I make them stop? I should probably explain the reasoning behind all of this. Writing this is going to hurt but its the only way I am gonna be able to get through it. I guess that first one I will start with is the Jack situation. I didn’t really thing it affected me that but I guess I was wrong because Nana came to pick up Nathan a week or two ago and Jack was sitting in the car and I was beyond terrified of him. Then when everyone went to the dells, including Jack, I was so scared of him and having nightmares when I have been through terrible stuff like this before. I’m 20, been through a lot, and am not even related to anyone here so I feel like I have no reason to be affected by it. I feel like i’m weak for being hurt by this kind of stuff when i’m 20. I just feel like I should be more mature. I don’t know if thats just me being too hard on myself or if its true. I always try to be mature but I feel like that the last thing i’m doing. I guess that bring me to the next thing. So while everyone was at the dells, I was cleaning the entire house. At one point I was going to clean the room downstairs and I opened the closet to see if there were clothes to be folded and in one of the drawers was Kristy’s journal. I opened the first page and I saw my name so I was a bad person and kept reading. Basically, everything said Kristy didn’t like me because Jeff gave me more attention then he gave her and she figured he was going to have an affair with me and she didn’t want me here anymore. She literally hated me and I am beyond upset and hurt about it. I thought she always loved me but I was so wrong and now I kind of need her because i’m hurting so bad and I just need someone to help keep lee safe but I feel like I can’t go to her now that I know this. Does she even like me now? Should I just leave everything here and never come back? I don’t know what to do now or how to process it all. I have no where to even go anymore. I’ve fucked up everything I had and now I don’t even want to fight through any of it. Why is the world so unfair? Why do I have to screw up everything good thing I have. I always set myself up for failure. As if all of that isn’t enough, me and my mom talked and my dad only has months to live. But I fucked that up too, because thats the only thing I can actually manage to do. Someone please just make this pain stop. I wish I could just go get a knife and cut right now. Im done. Im so hurt right now. I could just take too many pills. Whats wrong with me that this is what I am thinking about right now. Fuck.